Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Crystal Maze


My name is Ella and I am clinically depressed.

Last night I was comparing being depressed with being in a Crystal Maze. The sort of maze made up of mirrors. Where you can see no way out and repeatedly hit dead-ends until your brain jumps to the conclusion that there is no way out (which is a fallacy in itself, because you entered the maze somehow, therefore the entry, if nothing else, can serve as an exit also, but your brain is too dysfunctional to process that).

I have been told by medics that my symptoms are 'textbook depression', which is in a way a relief, after all they are not naming my oh-so-strange condition after me (now wouldn't that be worrying), however very few people understand.

And yes, I am still fighting the shame and the stigma associated with mental illness. It is all part of being in the maze of mirrors, part of the hellish experience, seeing yourself from every angle, facing your most guarded fears. Being in the crystal maze makes you forget who the true you is, also. It is so tempting to smash all the reflections of you, including yourself, the true you. But that is another story.

They say there is a silver lining in everything, and all I can see as a positive at the moment, is the true friends, the real people who matter the most and for whom I matter the most.

If someone loves you and accepts you when going through something like this, they will do so for the rest of their lives. And that is a blessing, discovering the real souls who matter.

So, as I said - my name is Ella and I am clinically depressed. Welcome to my hell.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


you are broken and we will fix you
you told me

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond
they sang

can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? is it there?
she asked


the free fall is over, at last
the dried sea bottom felt like melted tarmac, in my dream
with the impending destructive wave waiting at the horizon

there is no light in my darkest hour
no reason
and no scope
the tunnel collapsed
and the diamond has been crushed

i am broken and nobody can fix me

Monday, 17 October 2011


Hello, Prozac, my old friend.
Hello black blanket over the head feeling too.
Hello bottom of the well.
Hello lapses of reason, and hello to you too, cotton wool replacing my brain.
Hello illness, hello hopeless, hello sleepless, hello hell

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Gate crashing life

and what can you do, when you realise that you are gate crashing life
and you are not wanted nor loved
and you overstayed your non-welcome:
hit the bottle, hit the pills, hit a tree?
you want to be something, you want to be someone, or you want to be no more
and life keeps you
with contempt
and life reminds you
of the error you are
some mistakes are irreversible
some dreams are hopeless
some lives are pointless


And so a rainbow can be a promise from heaven

and a kiss from Above

a stairway to the angels

or a peace offering

A sign of Hope

...or simply an optical phenomenon at an agle of 42 degrees from the direction opposite the Sun

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Tree of Blessings

I have decided to make a Tree of Blessings.
And will have a think about what blessings in my life I could add to it,
Counting my blessings is something I often forget.

Monday, 29 August 2011

And yes, I would

...and yes, I would bring you a rainbow, and I would kiss you on the Moon, and I would catch you a cloud, and write a Haiku, I would die two deaths, and I would sell my soul for you

...but I can't see you tonight, because I am working.

Friday, 19 August 2011

No title

I got home from work to find a small parcel left outside my front door.
It was a magazine.
In a plastic bag.
The cover had a picture of tinsel and gold baubles. And I could see the letters 'stmas'.
My stomach dropped.
My heart sank.
My knees turned into jelly.
I picked the plastic bag, and with great care, using two fingers, I extracted the magazine. Careful, just as to avoid catching some dreadful bug from it.
Yes, it was one of those ordering books that some poor old sales person leaves with you hoping that you will place an order, sign a cheque and return. One of those books that have all the stuff you didn't know you didn't need.
But this one is about 'Christmas'.
My stomach dropped. My heart sank. My knees.... yeah, you got it. All that jazz.
I mean, I don't want to sound rude, inconsiderate, or monstruous in any way, shape or form,
We are half-way through August, for chrissake!
I am still wearing my summer wardrobe, still planning to take annual leave, we are not over the Bank Holiday, schools are not open yet, and you plant a CHRISTMAS brochure on my doorstep?!
What is wrong with you people????

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Quote of the Day

Don't take life too seriously, no one ever gets out alive.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Epic Fail

I wish I could forget you.... on the count of 3, just like that, 1, 2, 3....
....Nah... It didn't work.