Crystal Maze

Hello.

My name is Ella and I am clinically depressed.

Last night I was comparing being depressed with being in a Crystal Maze. The sort of maze made up of mirrors. Where you can see no way out and repeatedly hit dead-ends until your brain jumps to the conclusion that there is no way out (which is a fallacy in itself, because you entered the maze somehow, therefore the entry, if nothing else, can serve as an exit also, but your brain is too dysfunctional to process that).

I have been told by medics that my symptoms are 'textbook depression', which is in a way a relief, after all they are not naming my oh-so-strange condition after me (now wouldn't that be worrying), however very few people understand.

And yes, I am still fighting the shame and the stigma associated with mental illness. It is all part of being in the maze of mirrors, part of the hellish experience, seeing yourself from every angle, facing your most guarded fears. Being in the crystal maze makes you forget who the true you is, also. It is so tempting to smash all the reflections of you, including yourself, the true you. But that is another story.

They say there is a silver lining in everything, and all I can see as a positive at the moment, is the true friends, the real people who matter the most and for whom I matter the most.

If someone loves you and accepts you when going through something like this, they will do so for the rest of their lives. And that is a blessing, discovering the real souls who matter.

So, as I said - my name is Ella and I am clinically depressed. Welcome to my hell.

Broken

you are broken and we will fix you
you told me

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond
they sang

can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? is it there?
she asked

No.

the free fall is over, at last
the dried sea bottom felt like melted tarmac, in my dream
with the impending destructive wave waiting at the horizon

there is no light in my darkest hour
no reason
and no scope
the tunnel collapsed
and the diamond has been crushed

i am broken and nobody can fix me

Hello

Hello, Prozac, my old friend.
Hello black blanket over the head feeling too.
Hello bottom of the well.
Hello lapses of reason, and hello to you too, cotton wool replacing my brain.
Hello illness, hello hopeless, hello sleepless, hello hell

Gate crashing life

and what can you do, when you realise that you are gate crashing life
and you are not wanted nor loved
and you overstayed your non-welcome:
hit the bottle, hit the pills, hit a tree?
you want to be something, you want to be someone, or you want to be no more
and life keeps you
with contempt
and life reminds you
of the error you are
some mistakes are irreversible
some dreams are hopeless
some lives are pointless

Quick question

And what can I do, when I am not allowed to love you, because you are not mine to love?....

Today's specials

And today's special feelings are:
- depressed
- repressed
- isolated
- unloved

Thank you, come again...

Playing Jenga on Maslow's pyramid

I gave up on the idea of me ever being happy.
Let's look at Maslow and his pyramid of needs.
Every time I try to climb that pyramid, someone or something decides to play Jenga with it.

Partial death

This weekend, a part of my soul will die.

Shh

Shh... did you hear that?? Oops, that was my heart, breaking.

Just be careful, when you tread on it once more... Don't do it in bare feet, the shards might hurt you.

The bottom of the well

You said this will end. You said I don't mean anything to you.
I'm lying on the bottom of the well, scraping away with my frozen fingers, it can't get lower than this. Will you love me in my death??

Random

It's been a year now, and I am still on that damned down-spiral. Empty, hollow, words do not matter anymore. And it is black, and it is no future, and it is lonely.
Nobody says sorry, nobody cares.
I miss my cloud of oblivion, remembering is not good.
And I miss the nights when sleep shadowed the sorrow.
What would you do if you were to have a magic wand, you've asked me. I would make everything disappear.

Never

I will never find my way home. Because I do not have a home.
I will never enjoy life. Because I feel I am already half-dead.
I have never liked the concept of 'never'. Until now.

Blessing in disguise

You are not worth my tears. I simply refuse to let you throw me back into the abyss, just because you want to. My tears are way too precious, even for you. In this game I never knew the rules and I have never been sure who was the hunter and who was the hunted. The game is over, that is all I know, and I will not show you that I can cry for you.
Will think of this as a blessing in disguise. Now walk in peace.

Don't take the bubblewrap off me

Don't take the bubblewrap layers off me, please. Let me live forever inside this cocoon, like an eternal chrysalis dreaming of becoming a butterfly. I need the comforting shield, my soul needs its crutches.
I need oblivion, I need the hiding place with no pain. Don't even dream of hurting me.
Let me sleep dreaming of hope and happiness, I am in such a nice place in between worlds. I cherish every grain of stagnant time, my bubblewrap distorts reality and it is sooooooo good.

The valley of the happy pill

I am happy in the valley of the happy pill, please come and join me.
Whirlwind. The valley is green, and yes the grass is greener in my valley.
I am going to devour you, what perfect feast you make. I am going to absorb the last of your breaths, your last wish, your last smile. I am going to leave you, a discarded shell, with broken dreams. I will not weep for you, for I will bring your death. My valley will not be interested in your very last sigh, whether it is pleasure or pain, and nobody, nobody will hear you cry for help. Please come and join me, I am alone on my valley, become my feast tonight. I need a little bit more than just the happiness of my happy pill.

Who are you

Are you dream or real? Angel or demon? Good or evil? Who are you, what are you, why are you??
What is the lesson I must learn from you?
Are you bringing yet more tears? More suffering? Let me be. Why come and spoil the micro-paradise I have managed to build?

Once upon a time I said I have no heart.
Wish I weren't lying.

Today I have saved your life

Today I have saved your life. I was there, able to give you more life to live. Perhaps you will curse me years to come for keeping you around. I am sorry.

Perhaps one day you will do the same for me. Save my life, make me live, or even bring me back from the dead. Pretend to be my guardian angel for a while. Convince me that life is worth living and that someone actually gives a damn whether I live or die.

Demons

It is hard fighting demons. Especially demons that old.
Demons you grew up with, they have lived in your shadow for a long, long time. And sometimes you forget about them, or at least you try to. But every now and then, damn bastards keep popping up in your life, wiping your smile off in an instant and sucking all the joy from your heart.
I hate my demons.
One day, perhaps one day, I will have plucked the courage to face them properly.

You loved me

You loved me last night. In my dream.

Dad

Dad, life carries on, do you know that?
Nineteen years ago on this day you were dying.
Nineteen years seem a lifetime, and now there is only dust left behind you.
For a while I kept dreaming that you would be back - but after a while I realised that is just a silly dream. But you know, Dad, you are not missing much. There isn't, really, much to this life worth coming back to.